Birth and Burial

"He Gives and He takes away;  Blessed be His name"

Today was our ultrasound that we have been waiting a month for, and we received news that we didn't want to hear.  Our baby suffered fetal hydrops and her heart stopped beating.  I have been induced for labor and am waiting to deliver our little one.  For seventeen weeks, I have carried this life inside of me (even if I didn't know it the first few weeks, ha!)

I am keenly aware that this is infant loss and awareness month.  Sometime over the next couple of days, we will experience a birth and a burial.  It seems like such an oxymoron.  As a family, we cried together today- all five of us.  Our son who was added to our family only a little over a year ago, expressed his grief in words.  It was such a huge moment for him- to allow himself to experience sadness instead of surpressing it.  Our other two have asked a multitude of questions to which we have answered to the best of our abilities.  We are grieving the LIFE of our daughter, Liliana Jane Pizzati (Lilly Jane).  Although our hearts are broken, we can still declare that God is good.  I pray that in our pain, His purpose will prevail.

 Lord, haste the day when our faith shall be sight....

Our hearts may be broken, but It is well with our souls.


Thank you all for your fervent prayers on behalf of Lilly and for us.  We will rest in His comfort and grace.

We Worship in the Wait

This month we received difficult news about our unborn baby and we were told to wait and see what will happen.  Waiting can be so difficult!  We have a month to wait for the next ultrasound.  We have played through many possible scenarios in our minds, but still find ourselves back to the reality of the unknown future.  We find ourselves not being able to make definitive plans because we don't know what the full projection of our baby's life is going to be.  We have faced the reality that miscarriage and stillbirth are high percentages.  We have also faced the reality that our child could be born with severe disabilities.  And yet, knowing that medical knowledge, we still KNOW that God is able to heal and restore completely if He chooses.  So, we have decided to worship Him in the wait.  As I have stated before, we will praise Him no matter the outcome, so we might as well start now.  We have praised Him for the life growing inside of me.  We have also shared that we are simply His vessels and desire nothing more than for Him to receive glory!  God has been so gracious to us!  He has given us His peace that passes understanding.  He has reminded us of His faithfulness in times past and we have no reason to doubt that His grace and faithfulness will prevail yet again.  In fact, we are simply overwhelmed by the faithfulness and goodness of God.  We find ourselves in a new place facing circumstances we never imagined.  We are in deep waters, but His sovereignty still prevails and His grace abounds.  Of this, we can testify!  His grace is meeting us in our deepest fears and pains and we are resting in His embrace.  We are so grateful for the prayers of the saints that are uplifting us and for the messages we have received.  This is where we are today and we hope to update after our next appointment.  We are so thankful that we can trust Him with our everything!

The second verse the worship song, OCEANS, by Hillsongs says this:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Cystic Hygroma- Such an Ugly Word!

About five weeks ago, we found out the surprise of a lifetime- I am pregnant.  I knew that I had not felt myself all summer long and thought I just had a case of amoebas or parasites, which can be a common missionary thing.  So, to find out the pregnancy news at 8 weeks pregnant, was well, completely shocking!  Our kids are older, ages 12, 11, and 10.  We had not planned on having anymore children.  I am so grateful for the friends I went to and the truth that they shared with me during that time of shock.  They reminded me that ALL children are a blessing from our Heavenly Father, but they also gave me space to process.  They reminded me that my roller coaster of emotions was normal.  In a podcast I listened to by John Piper about receiving unexpected news, He shared, "take time to grieve the loss of your plans and dreams, but when the grieving is over, dry your tears in sweet surrender, knowing God's sovereignty is greater and bigger and we can trust Him." So, after absorbing the shock and accepting this as God's plan for our lives, we decided to tell others.  Our baby announcement looked like this:

Then, yesterday, in a routine ultrasound of 13 weeks, we heard news that no expecting parents want to hear.  There is something wrong with the baby.  Our baby has a very large Cystic Hygroma and abdominal adema. A what?!?   I had never heard of such a thing.  Immediately, words like miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities were thrown out there.  He encouraged us to read more about it on the internet but also know that many babies have had a cystic hygroma that disappears and turn out to be fine, although ours is extremely large.  The internet is full of a lot of terrifying possibilities.  We are scared.  There are so many questions about the baby, his/her future, our future.  However, in the middle of those fears, I found myself singing... "Your name is Great and Your heart is kind....whatever may pass and whatever lies before me....Let me be singing when the evening comes."  I can't imagine trying to go through something like this without the hope of Jesus.  We KNOW that Jesus is able to heal and make our baby whole.  We also KNOW that He will not leave us nor forsake us.  And I have fashioned my heart to praise Him.  After all, He is the Giver of Life and this is His child.  He only gives them to us to hold a little while.  Granted, there are many possibilities that I would praise Him through a tear streaked face, but none the less, there are 10,000 Reasons and more to Praise Him!  So, if He heals, I will praise Him .  So, if I never get to hold this baby in my arms, I will praise Him.  If this baby has to endure pain and suffering, I will praise Him.  Not because I will feel like it....but because He is Great and He is kind and I know He loves us and He loves this baby and He is worthy of Praise!

Please pray for Baby Pizzati.  Pray for Rene and I that we will lean into each other and pray for our other three treasures as they process this journey with us!

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

If you follow us on Facebook, then you know that July has been a rough month for us.  We have a daughter and two sons ages 10 and 11.  Each of the boys have been in the emergency room in the last week and both have required surgeries.  It has been a very trying time for us...one of those times where we are spent emotionally, exhausted physically, stressed financially, and frustrated that plans have had to be postponed and altered to accommodate.  In addition to the health issues that they have endured, many other monkey wrenches have been thrown at us in our ministries that could have been breeding ground for discouragement.  But God...in HIS sweet, steady faithfulness, has met us where we are.  I have been reminded of many divine truths and wanted to take a moment to share from my experiences this past week.

1.  He NEVER leaves us or forsakes us!

Last week, our son Samuel was at martial arts practice when a mirror fell off the wall, slicing his forearm, including muscle, tendons, ligaments and blood vessels.  We were told that our time frame for reattachment and surgery was short and that only a very skilled, specialized surgeon could this type of surgery.  What I didn't share on Facebook, is that my husband had just left that day to speak at a meeting in the states.  It was me and my mom.  We took off to the hospital recommended to me to see if we could get him help.  We had three surgeons arrive to turn down the surgery stating that they didn't feel competent to complete it.  So much time lapsed between these surgeons.  Meanwhile, I watched all color drain from my son's hand as it turned blue/grey.  After surgeon number two shared with me that he couldn't do it, my heart began to race as I was thinking that there may be a real possibility that my son might lose his hand.  As a mom, this moment ranked up to one of my toughest to date.  The desperation, the concern, the battle of faith and practicality seemed to all swirl in that dark moment.  Yet, in that moment, the Holy Spirit whispered these words.... "I am your Shepherd.  Even though you walk through the deep, dark valley, fear no evil, for I am with you."  Such peace washed over me in that split second as words of Truth flooded my heart.  He was with me.  No, my husband couldn't be, but He was.

2. Prayer is powerful!

Somewhere in that time period, I posted our crisis on Facebook asking others to join us in prayer. So many believers chimed in to say that they were lifting us up.  I will always be grateful for the army of prayers offered on our behalf.  The fourth surgeon to arrive walked in and looked at the arm and with so much confidence confessed that he could perform the surgery.  His confidence washed over me and filled me with such peace.  I knew that he was answer to the prayers that so many were praying.  The surgery was long, but successful.  Prayer is powerful!  God's word tells us that the prayers of the righteous are powerful!  I got to witness that first hand this past week.

3. Mean what you pray!

A few weeks ago, I prayed a prayer that went something like this:  "Break my heart for the things that break Your heart."  Have you ever been guilty of praying a cliche?  Do we really mean what we pray? Yesterday, one week after the accident with Sam, our other son was brought to his knees with severe pain.  After a revision by a pediatrician, I was advised to take him on in to the hospital for more testing which lead to another ER visit and yet another surgery.  This morning on the hour drive back to the hospital, I was reminded that I had prayed such a bold prayer.  Immediately, I began to praise the Lord that I have a car to drive to the hospital.  I have a hospital to go to and there is a surgeon that can help relieve the pain.  I have access to medicines and I have insurance that will help with some of the costs.  As I began to cry out praises to Him for all these things, my heart began to break for all those that live in this country that don't have these things.

How many mamas in Honduras have to watch their babies suffer and they have no way to do anything for them?  How many mamas don't have a vehicle to get them to the nearest clinic?  How many mamas can't afford pain medicines, much less surgeries?  How many mamas have felt that same desperation I experienced for their child and didn't have any resources or relationships to help?

Yes, this morning, God broke my heart fresh and anew for the people of this country.  I was reminded of the many timely opportunities that I have gotten to witness our medical and dental teams be in the "right place at the right time" by God's providence, and I am grateful.   I am thankful for the medical personnel that give up their time to serve the people of Honduras.  I am thankful that I have had opportunities to witness a mama's prayer of desperation be answered through a team member.  I pray that I will never take for granted the blessings that we have and that we will be faithful to share these blessings with others.

 Tonight, I count it JOY that we are facing trials of many kinds because I know that God is developing our faith and molding our character through them.

Keep praying for our boys that God will heal them completely.

Sam's arm is casted and when the cast is removed, mobility will be tested to see if follow-up surgeries are needed or if physical therapy will be sufficient.

Owen's surgery is scheduled for this week.

We are NOT a zoo~ The kids behind the fence.

This post has been brewing in my heart for a few weeks now.  I realize its been a while since I have written.  Life gets busy.  Not only do I have my own three treasures, but I get the privilege of working with an additional 115 kids on a daily basis....which is the reason for my post.

The place that I serve is BEAUTIFUL!  Seriously, some of the most gorgeous landscape combined with the most precious kids.  We are also blessed with lots of volunteers, visitors, and mission teams.

Today, we received two new children.  I was told of their physical scars on their bodies that are evidence of abuse they have suffered, and my heart breaks.  It is the same story of many of our kids.  They are all at our children's home for a reason.  Most people know this.  So, it is hard for me when I watch visitors come by to see the kids.  I want to shout, "This is NOT a zoo!"

The kids behind the fence each have a story.  Don't just look at them and toss a ball a few minutes and walk away pitying them.  We know that this sinful life has caused them to suffer more than any child should ever have to, but we also know that feeding that pity only produces entitlement.  Instead, allow your heart to grieve over brokenness and loss.  Let your heart break for the things that break our Heavenly Father's heart.  We are working hard to show our kids that through Jesus, they are OVERCOMERS.  We are trying to teach them that no matter who leaves you, Jesus never will.  We are trying to encourage them that even though life has struck them down, they are not defeated.  They can rise above their circumstances. They can defy statistics.  I believe this with all my heart and have dedicated my life to TEACHING them this very truth and EQUIPPING them with tools for being a world changer.

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.” – Radical by David Platt.

Get to KNOW them!  Ask them their name!  Hear their story and seek practical ways to EMPOWER them!  We have multiple ways for you to become involved from being a prayer partner, to serving as a teacher, or helping to equip them with supplies and clothing or even sponsoring financially.

We are NOT a zoo to just come and stare at the orphans.  We are Home.  We are a School.  The kids behind the fence are future leaders.  You would be blessed to learn their names.

www.gscaedu.org

Culture Shock-Tween Years

Our oldest daughter turned 12 this week.  It has been increasingly noticeable that we have entered into new territory as parents- the "tween years".  Its a scary time for us actually, because we know of all the traps and snares that she will be tempted with in the years to come.  We desire for her to follow the Lord and stay close to Him and preserve her purity and innocence.  We were thrilled when some close friends of ours shared with us a study that they had used called "Passport to Purity".  We decided that we will use our childrens' 12th birthdays as the opportunity to address with them openly and honestly about some of the snares that are coming and make a covenant with them about working through it together.  So, this weekend, we took our daughter away for the weekend to begin what we hope will be open dialogue with her.

It was clear to us in the beginning of this trip that the enemy did NOT want us to go and address the topic of PURITY and we faced multiple trials and challenges just leaving.  Our vehicle is not in our name, but rather in BMDMI's name, so in order to leave, we had to have a special signed and seal permit.  We obtained that days ago and crossed the border into Nicaragua after being checked by multiple people only to be denied further entry because there was an error.  The permission had to have the license plate number on it and included the letter "n".  However, the letter on the plate is ñ...yes, that is an n with an accent mark.  Because that accent mark was missing, we were asked to leave the country.  We were deported from Nicaragua for an accent mark!  After several hours of finding a lawyer and communicating with our office, we were able to get a corrected copy and finally cross the border.  I will never in my life underestimate the power of the ñ in Spanish again! It was late at this point but we forged on.  An hour into the trip, we ran over a screwdriver in the road and had a flat tire (the 3rd one in two weeks!!!)  After multiple frustrations with the jack and missing parts and wrong size spare, we continued and arrived at our hotel at 3 a.m.

The next day we filled with some of the touristy sites including a tour of a cocoa farm and a tour of the islands in the lake, including monkey island, then we returned to the hotel room to work on our study.  For any parents out there that are wondering how to broach this topic with your children, we just want to say that we highly recommend this resource!  It covered so many pertinent topics that will most likely become a challenge in the years to come.  Yes, there were some awkward moments and some embarrassing questions, but we continued to share with her that it is our job to protect her and we love her enough to have these kinds of conversations so that she isn't learning about it from just anyone or from the media.  We wanted her to see a Biblical perspective!  Saturday evening we visited the active volcano in Masaya.  We finished our weekend today returning home to Honduras and signing a covenant with each other.

The culture shock into these years is real.  I find us answering questions that were certainly not present a year ago.  However, we enter these new places clinging to the One that holds us close and provides wisdom and guidance.  We are relying on others that have walked this road ahead of us and we are seeking out resources to guide us as parents.  We find ourselves praying for our children in new ways and recognizing more cautiously the many traps that await them.

Small (yet HUGE) Victories

Some days with Sam are tough.  Some days, I get weary.  Some days, he drains every bit of my energy and I find myself at the end of myself.  I have felt the same with each of my children.  Some days, it is Owen and other days (especially these new preteen years), it is Gabby.  However, my pastor once told me, anything that brings us to the end of ourselves and makes us turn to Jesus, is a good thing.  I find myself praying often, "God, I can't....but YOU can."  Lord, I need you to love through me.  I need you to be patient through me and Lord, would You be gracious enough to show me glimpses of progress and growth in my kids?  So tonight, after we have tackled multiple obstacles and situations today, I choose to show some of the small (yet HUGE) victories we have seen with Sam.

1.  Sam got angry last week while losing in a board game.  He had a meltdown that was ugly.  However, once he gained control, he came to me on his own accord and simply said, "Mommy, I think I need to say that I'm sorry."  It seems like a small step, but to me this was big!

2.  Sam has had a hard time sitting still in church.  With a tip from a teacher, we tried carrying a sensory bag and we were able to enjoy worshiping the whole service while he stayed engaged with his activities AND he was able to tell us what happened in church.  Small steps.

3.  I have had a fellow missionary and recently a short term volunteer work so hard on making weighted blankets for the classrooms.  He has slept through the night with one!  Also, he now comes and ASK me for one to use in the classroom.  It helps keep him in his seat a little longer and he can focus on work.  Small bean bags have helped with this also.

4.  He has learned a few Spanish words over the last couple of weeks.

5.  He has also taken off on his reading in English.

We think he is making huge progress and lots of steps in the right direction.  Thanks for praying!

My Child Has Special Needs

Tonight, I write from the trenches of parenthood.  Its been a long, emotional week in our household.  You see, school started back this week.  In our household, that takes on extra meanings.  I have the amazing privilege of "directing" a school in a third world country at a children's home.  That means heavy responsibilities and hard decisions.  That means pushing through sickness and going to school anyways.  That means trying to always find the very best teachers and provide the best resources for our students.  And, that means trying to do everything possible to reach each child and teach them. It's trying to instill in each child how valuable they are and encourage them to reach their fullest potential. It is sharing with each of them the love of Jesus that abides in us and living the gospel for all of them to see.  It is trying to assume the role of making disciples.

This week, we started another new school season, but this time, with a new child.  A few months ago, when Sam entered into our lives, we took on a new realm of parenting that included lots of doctors appointments and therapy sessions.  My child has special needs.  We have been given three letter diagnosis and been shown multiple treatments that will help him.  We find ourselves perusing the internet at night reading about his condition and learning all we can about it so we can better identify with our son.  Yes, we entered a new world with new terminology and new schedules that come with special needs.  We find ourselves being drawn to other parents and families that have walked this road long before us and have words of wisdom and encouragement to offer.  Just as we have prayed through multiple seasons in the lives of Gabby and Owen, we find ourselves crying out to God for divine wisdom in the best way to parent him.  

I have to say, that when I realized our son needed therapies and special accommodations for school and home, in the depths of my heart, I questioned whether we were supposed to return to Honduras or not.  I mean, Honduras doesn't even have occupational therapists that I am aware of, and I knew that we did not have the "special" things he needed at our school.  So, I prayed and asked God to give us wisdom.  In His faithfulness, God made it clear that we were to return with a miraculous series of verses and events.  He also provided a LEAD teacher that has years of experience in special education and drips with insight and wisdom for us.  He has provided an amazing support system with our families and missionary family.  So, my mind shifted from the "IF" we were supposed to return to asking God to teach us through these circumstances what He wants to teach us.  As I learn more and more about Sam's condition, I am convinced that we have multiple other students that deal with similar issues.  What if God wanted to use this child to build the foundation for special education accommodations in our school that will affect many other children in the future?   We have a good start this year.  Sam made it through the first couple of days of school.  He is so excited to be learning!  Today, he talked about his teachers as if they are his heroes.  He even came home and played "school" with me while he pretended to be a teacher.  

My child has special needs and I am a better person because of it.  

Sam needs us to explain in detail the daily plan to him and that is just a good parenting technique (the other kids are grateful that we are being so thorough in this also).

Sam's condition requires us to pause 4-6 times a day to do some exercises.  I tend to set my speed on "go" at all times.  Pausing is a healthy thing.  Taking deep breaths and stopping everything else in life for a few moments to focus my attention on my child is a good thing.  

Sam demands our full attention many moments.  How many times have I been distracted by other things, that I have been guilty of not "seeing" my kids?  Taking time to forget everything else and focus on him and Gabby and Owen is priceless.  These years will never return.

Sam's issues require us to parent him differently than we do Owen, just like we parent Owen differently than Gabby.  Therefore, Rene and I have to spend time communicating about what we feel is best and how we will approach the next behavior that we would like to see adjusted.  

Sam's condition makes me want to be a better learner as I find myself reading and studying more and more about the condition and approaches to treatments.  

Sam has allowed me to develop an even deeper level of compassion and full blown respect for children and their parents that are labeled "different".  

Having Sam is allowing me to see so many others that struggle as he does and it moves me to want to help them in a country where most are not receiving any kind of support.  Where most of these kids are labeled "dumb" or "disruptive" and kicked out of schools.

Loving Sam makes me want to provide the ABSOLUTE best that we can for him and others that struggle like him.

I don't know exactly what God is up to, but I know that He is stretching us in new ways and we find ourselves more and more dependent on Him.  We want to keep ourselves open to being used as His vessels.  We continue to be grateful for the opportunity to serve Him here in Honduras.

New Beginnings- New Life

The first month of the year- a time for new beginnings!  What better way to celebrate than by signing paperwork for an adoption?!?  Lord willing, this Friday will be that day for us.  We have shared with Sam that it's the day he receives his new name.

Samuel came to us with a legal name.  His legal name was Samuel Zhukun Last Name of First Adoptive Family.  One of the first weeks that he was with us he shared with us that he didn't like his name.  When we asked him which name he was referring to,  he shared with us that he liked the English name Samuel, but he didn't like his middle name Zhukun.  He shared with us that was the name given to him by the orphanage and it wasn't the name that his birth mom had given him.  When we asked him what name it was that his birth mom gave him, he shared with us an answer.  A couple of weeks later we were having dinner with some Chinese speaking friends and we shared with them this story.  They shared with us that the meaning of the name his mom had given him could have meant "below good."  We quickly decided that we would NOT keep that name since it goes directly against what we believe about him.  Thus began the search for a middle name...

We told him that we wanted him to have a Chinese middle name because that is his heritage and we wanted him to keep part of that with him.  So, through Google translate, we kept suggesting new names.  We all giggled a lot and he continuously said that he didn't like our suggestions.  

However, Rene had an idea.  You see, his dad's name was Rene and his name is Rene and Owen's middle name is Rene, so he wanted Samuel's middle name to be Rene in Chinese.  While we were in China, we were able to talk to a couple there and share with them our idea.  The name Rene means "reborn/new life".  So, talking with this couple around a dinner table that night in China, we found our son's new name- Chongsheng.  It is the same word used in John chapter 3 and it means reborn/new life.  Rene in Chinese.  It just seemed perfect--convincing Sam would be different.

When we first told Sam his new middle name he laughed and then also refused it.  However, later on we had the opportunity to share with Sam that this is a family name and it is also his heritage.  Now, he shares his name with pride.  He knows that will be on his birth certificate and follow him the rest of his life.  He understands that it ties him to us forever.  

So, this Friday, Sam legally begins his new life with a new name.  Samuel Chongsheng Pizzati.
We are a little giddy with excitement!  The papers will finally show what our hearts already know.

New Year

I LOVE new beginnings- A chance to have do-overs; a chance to relish in God's mercy and experience new grace.

Today, on the first day of the year, I am excited to get a fresh start with new yearly goals that I hope will make me better professionally, personally, and spiritually.  I have mapped out my goals below:

1.  Before being a missionary, a teacher, or director of a school, I am a wife and a mom.  I am making a commitment for this year to set aside one evening a week to spend some quality time with my husband.  For me, that means turning off the phone and computer and having some time face to face. There are many weeks that will be impossible due to us being in separate places, but I can still keep that time dedicated to him to pray for him.  

2.  I am committing to give an afternoon or weekend morning a month to be quality time with my kids.  Maybe it means watching a movie together or maybe having a special Saturday morning of board games.  My kids are only little once and I want to savor these moments with them.

3.  Professionally, I have been terrible about systems this year.  I am looking forward to implementing some new systems to help me with Thank You cards and responding better to emails.  With the help of an amazing leadership team, I believe this as well as many other things will be a lot easier to manage.  

4.  I also am challenging myself to take a seminar in education to help me continue to be a lifelong learner.

5.  Spiritually, I want to grow closer to Jesus.  I need to implement more spiritual disciplines in my life.  I hope to set aside Sunday mornings, before church, to pray regularly for our supporters.  I want to be more diligent in fasting for specific things.

Here's to a year that I pray God will be glorified through our life.