Empty Arms and Unveiled Truth

Those that have followed my blog for the last year know that our family walked through some difficult times.  One of those was a surprise pregnancy and second trimester miscarriage.  Walking through that left us scratching our heads many times, but trusting that God was doing something we couldn't see.  After taking time to grieve our loss, I couldn't help but think that God was preparing us for something else.  I even shared with a friend that I was excited to see what the next plans would be that God was to reveal to us.

So, fast forward to around the time of when my due date was supposed to be...our children's home received a precious little one who had been in a severely abusive situation.  She was under two years old and had already physically endured so much, not to mention her emotional state of being.  The department of social services here actually wanted her in the care of a family to assist with her healing.  Rene and I stepped forward to volunteer.  I just knew we were supposed to be a part of her healing.  Little did I know that God would use her for our healing too.  She has brought so much joy to our home.  Sure, there have been sleepless nights, but the smiles and laughter make it so worth it.

Today marks one year since I entered the hospital with life in my womb and walked out with empty arms.  Interesting enough, I found myself back at the same hospital today, on the same floor, accompanying a friend for her appointment.  I took time to remember...
I remember sitting in a wheelchair at the entrance/exit door last year while Rene went to get the car.  I remember my heart aching as I watched moms with babies and little ones entering those doors while mine were left so eerily empty.  It seemed so unfair, yet, I decided to trust.  I made the conscious decision to trust the One who sees all and loves us.  In contrast, today, I walked out the doors laughing and talking with two special friends.  Time and the Holy Spirit really do have a way of healing our hearts.  I also recognize that today, I left those same doors with my heart full of things that I didn't have a year ago....new revelations of my Savior and sweet memories with our sweet little foster daughter.

This year, we face new difficulties and circumstances.  The ministries that we have invested our lives into were taken away from us....this is a new set of empty arms that we have never experienced before.  The pain has been great.  The struggle real.  We miss the people so much.  I watch the others that still have the privilege of serving in the ministries and I feel the aching of my own heart, wishing I could join them.  Yet, I choose to trust Him and His sovereignty.  I can't help but to believe that He is preparing the way for the next area of service.  I choose to believe that in time, I will look back and realize that I have new revelations of my Savior and sweet new memories of ministry.

Also in this same season, we find ourselves having to lay this sweet little girl back at the Savior's feet, trusting that His divine plan is perfect for her.  Right now, it seems that circumstances for her will change and our hearts will grieve again, but we trust....We know He is working all things together for good and His glory.

In this season of our lives, this is our testimony:

There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us

God Has a Special Plan for Them too!

Last week, I got to witness the culmination of a very difficult journey of adoption.  This family has been faith fighting to make this precious girl their daughter for over seven years!  By far, this has been the longest adoption process I have witnessed.  Without going into details of a story that is not mine to tell, this country just doesn't make adoptions easy.  The odds are truly stacked against anyone who desires to pursue one here.  So, it was pure relief and joy to witness this one's status change from orphan to daughter.  I posted their picture on social media and wrote the caption above.

"An example of relentless love, of continual pursuit when all odds were against them.  I am inspired by their faith and rejoice in this act of redemption.  Happy adoption signing day, Lluvia!  God has great plans for you."

Ever since I posted that, I have fought an internal battle of sorts.
I am an adoptive mom.  I don't believe there is any action that more tangibly represents the Gospel of Jesus than the act of adoption.  It is beautiful.  It is a true act of redemption.  I am ecstatic that this family gets to experience that!  I am overjoyed that this child will now have a forever family and I do believe that God has great plans for her.  After all, a family environment is always best.

However, I couldn't help but think about the other children that live in our children's home.  The many children that will never have the opportunity for adoption.  Does God have great plans for them too?  Their lives will never look so Cinderalla-like.  They won't have the person to call mom or dad.  They won't get to drive out those gates to a new home and a new life.  For many different reasons, they will be stuck in the children's home they have been placed in.  Yet, I DO believe that God has GREAT plans for them too.

I am reminded that even when the fairy-tale ending doesn't happen, God is still good and He is in the business of bringing Himself glory.  I am reminded that He is writing the stories for each of the littles that live in the home.  I am reminded that His story is still good and it is part of a greater and bigger story. Even when disappointment comes and expectations are not met, it is the process of knowing Him that is most important.  That is the purpose of Good Shepherd Children's Home- to provide a safe and loving home to those that have been abused, abandoned, and neglected and through that process to point them to Jesus.  That is the purpose of Good Shepherd Christian Academy- to provide a high quality, Christ-centered education that is equipping them for a bright future.

There is an amazing team of North American missionaries and Honduran staff members that are working hard to ensure that we are giving the best possible childhood to those that will never know another place to call home.  We tackle this endeavor from many different fronts including a home environment that includes good meals, safe homes, family atmosphere (Good Shepherd Children's Home), education (Good Shepherd Christian Academy),  and spirituality (Valley Church).

I want to invite you to join our efforts through your prayers and finances to help us say to those kids that God has a special plan for them too.

Check out the websites below:

www.gsch.bmdmi.org
www.gscaedu.org

Lessons from Lilly Jane

As our oldest daughter’s birthday nears this week, I am painfully aware that this would also have been the due date of our youngest daughter, Lilly Jane.  Perhaps, Owen’s note to her says it best, “One heart beat has changed mine forever.”  Although we will never fully understand, we did and have asked God to help us not miss the lessons he wanted to teach us through this event in our lives.  So, here are a few lessons from Lilly Jane:

1. We trust Jesus.  

We were surprised by our pregnancy.  Since birth control was in place, pregnancy wasn't even on our radar and the honest truth is that it took me some time to wrap my head around it.  Rene also had difficulty processing this news.  But, when it is all said in done, we know the Giver of Life.  We know the One that hung the stars, numbers the hairs on our head, and knows the number of our days.  We KNOW Him and we TRUST Him.  So, as surprised as we were, we could open our hearts and acknowledge that His plan is bigger than we will ever know.  And, in the same way He gave us this special life, He also took it away.  We STILL trust Him.  We know that we don't have to understand the "why's?".  He is God and we are not and our lives are His to use as He pleases.  Our prayer has been that we will glorify Him through these trials.

          2. Every life matters- Pro-LIFESTYLE 

2017 was a year that reminded me that being pro-life is so much more than a political stance.   Being pro-life means so much more than being anti-abortion.  It has to be a lifestyle.  Pro-life means pro-foster care, pro-adoption, pro-hospice, pro-pregnancy center, pro-single mom ministry, pro- special needs ministry.  Being pro-life means acknowledging your pregnancy and grieving if its lost.   It was so interesting for us to walk through the process of our miscarriage.  If I had carried one more week, it would have been labeled “still-birth” and a death certificate would have been issued and probably a funeral would have happened, but our pregnancy loss was just a miscarriage.  We were faced with questions of wondering what is the protocol for this?  What do we do with the baby’s remains?  We believe that every life matters, so we weighed heavily the proper way to grieve our loss in a way that our other children would be able to understand.  We decided to have a memorial service with just our family.  We sat around the living room and shared why were so sad.  We read some verses that the Holy Spirit had used to speak to our hearts.  Then, we lit some Chinese lanterns and released them in the yard to remember her by and to let her go.   This life that only existed 18 weeks, was honored and recognized because every life matters.

           3.  Priorities have shifted.

When we discovered our baby had serious health issues, our focus immediately shifted.  We are so accustomed to giving and doing for others, that often times those in our own home can get left out or neglected.  However, the news of Lilly reminded us of priorities.  We had to practically weigh our plans and health care options in order to make the correct decisions and we found ourselves willing to walk away from everything for the sake of our child.  Why?  Because priorities shifted.  We are reminded that after our relationship with Jesus, our family is our first ministry.  Sometimes, hard decisions have to be made in order to keep those priorities in order.  We were bracing ourselves for change....a new baby, possible health issues, the possibility of having to leave the mission field...these were all possibilities for us that we were having to prepare for.  In the end, from the outside, nothing has changed.  We are still serving internationally, there is no baby, there are no health issues, but WE have changed.  We are not the same people we were last year.  We hug our other children a little tighter and a little longer.  We have had opportunities to weep with other couples who have recently experienced the same kind of loss.  We have also rejoiced a little greater with the families that do have new babies to hold and rock.  And our hearts have been open to the idea of having another little one in our home.  We don't know if the Lord will allow that to come to pass, but our hearts and our home will never be the same again.

Birth and Burial

"He Gives and He takes away;  Blessed be His name"

Today was our ultrasound that we have been waiting a month for, and we received news that we didn't want to hear.  Our baby suffered fetal hydrops and her heart stopped beating.  I have been induced for labor and am waiting to deliver our little one.  For seventeen weeks, I have carried this life inside of me (even if I didn't know it the first few weeks, ha!)

I am keenly aware that this is infant loss and awareness month.  Sometime over the next couple of days, we will experience a birth and a burial.  It seems like such an oxymoron.  As a family, we cried together today- all five of us.  Our son who was added to our family only a little over a year ago, expressed his grief in words.  It was such a huge moment for him- to allow himself to experience sadness instead of surpressing it.  Our other two have asked a multitude of questions to which we have answered to the best of our abilities.  We are grieving the LIFE of our daughter, Liliana Jane Pizzati (Lilly Jane).  Although our hearts are broken, we can still declare that God is good.  I pray that in our pain, His purpose will prevail.

 Lord, haste the day when our faith shall be sight....

Our hearts may be broken, but It is well with our souls.


Thank you all for your fervent prayers on behalf of Lilly and for us.  We will rest in His comfort and grace.

We Worship in the Wait

This month we received difficult news about our unborn baby and we were told to wait and see what will happen.  Waiting can be so difficult!  We have a month to wait for the next ultrasound.  We have played through many possible scenarios in our minds, but still find ourselves back to the reality of the unknown future.  We find ourselves not being able to make definitive plans because we don't know what the full projection of our baby's life is going to be.  We have faced the reality that miscarriage and stillbirth are high percentages.  We have also faced the reality that our child could be born with severe disabilities.  And yet, knowing that medical knowledge, we still KNOW that God is able to heal and restore completely if He chooses.  So, we have decided to worship Him in the wait.  As I have stated before, we will praise Him no matter the outcome, so we might as well start now.  We have praised Him for the life growing inside of me.  We have also shared that we are simply His vessels and desire nothing more than for Him to receive glory!  God has been so gracious to us!  He has given us His peace that passes understanding.  He has reminded us of His faithfulness in times past and we have no reason to doubt that His grace and faithfulness will prevail yet again.  In fact, we are simply overwhelmed by the faithfulness and goodness of God.  We find ourselves in a new place facing circumstances we never imagined.  We are in deep waters, but His sovereignty still prevails and His grace abounds.  Of this, we can testify!  His grace is meeting us in our deepest fears and pains and we are resting in His embrace.  We are so grateful for the prayers of the saints that are uplifting us and for the messages we have received.  This is where we are today and we hope to update after our next appointment.  We are so thankful that we can trust Him with our everything!

The second verse the worship song, OCEANS, by Hillsongs says this:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Cystic Hygroma- Such an Ugly Word!

About five weeks ago, we found out the surprise of a lifetime- I am pregnant.  I knew that I had not felt myself all summer long and thought I just had a case of amoebas or parasites, which can be a common missionary thing.  So, to find out the pregnancy news at 8 weeks pregnant, was well, completely shocking!  Our kids are older, ages 12, 11, and 10.  We had not planned on having anymore children.  I am so grateful for the friends I went to and the truth that they shared with me during that time of shock.  They reminded me that ALL children are a blessing from our Heavenly Father, but they also gave me space to process.  They reminded me that my roller coaster of emotions was normal.  In a podcast I listened to by John Piper about receiving unexpected news, He shared, "take time to grieve the loss of your plans and dreams, but when the grieving is over, dry your tears in sweet surrender, knowing God's sovereignty is greater and bigger and we can trust Him." So, after absorbing the shock and accepting this as God's plan for our lives, we decided to tell others.  Our baby announcement looked like this:

Then, yesterday, in a routine ultrasound of 13 weeks, we heard news that no expecting parents want to hear.  There is something wrong with the baby.  Our baby has a very large Cystic Hygroma and abdominal adema. A what?!?   I had never heard of such a thing.  Immediately, words like miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities were thrown out there.  He encouraged us to read more about it on the internet but also know that many babies have had a cystic hygroma that disappears and turn out to be fine, although ours is extremely large.  The internet is full of a lot of terrifying possibilities.  We are scared.  There are so many questions about the baby, his/her future, our future.  However, in the middle of those fears, I found myself singing... "Your name is Great and Your heart is kind....whatever may pass and whatever lies before me....Let me be singing when the evening comes."  I can't imagine trying to go through something like this without the hope of Jesus.  We KNOW that Jesus is able to heal and make our baby whole.  We also KNOW that He will not leave us nor forsake us.  And I have fashioned my heart to praise Him.  After all, He is the Giver of Life and this is His child.  He only gives them to us to hold a little while.  Granted, there are many possibilities that I would praise Him through a tear streaked face, but none the less, there are 10,000 Reasons and more to Praise Him!  So, if He heals, I will praise Him .  So, if I never get to hold this baby in my arms, I will praise Him.  If this baby has to endure pain and suffering, I will praise Him.  Not because I will feel like it....but because He is Great and He is kind and I know He loves us and He loves this baby and He is worthy of Praise!

Please pray for Baby Pizzati.  Pray for Rene and I that we will lean into each other and pray for our other three treasures as they process this journey with us!

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

If you follow us on Facebook, then you know that July has been a rough month for us.  We have a daughter and two sons ages 10 and 11.  Each of the boys have been in the emergency room in the last week and both have required surgeries.  It has been a very trying time for us...one of those times where we are spent emotionally, exhausted physically, stressed financially, and frustrated that plans have had to be postponed and altered to accommodate.  In addition to the health issues that they have endured, many other monkey wrenches have been thrown at us in our ministries that could have been breeding ground for discouragement.  But God...in HIS sweet, steady faithfulness, has met us where we are.  I have been reminded of many divine truths and wanted to take a moment to share from my experiences this past week.

1.  He NEVER leaves us or forsakes us!

Last week, our son Samuel was at martial arts practice when a mirror fell off the wall, slicing his forearm, including muscle, tendons, ligaments and blood vessels.  We were told that our time frame for reattachment and surgery was short and that only a very skilled, specialized surgeon could this type of surgery.  What I didn't share on Facebook, is that my husband had just left that day to speak at a meeting in the states.  It was me and my mom.  We took off to the hospital recommended to me to see if we could get him help.  We had three surgeons arrive to turn down the surgery stating that they didn't feel competent to complete it.  So much time lapsed between these surgeons.  Meanwhile, I watched all color drain from my son's hand as it turned blue/grey.  After surgeon number two shared with me that he couldn't do it, my heart began to race as I was thinking that there may be a real possibility that my son might lose his hand.  As a mom, this moment ranked up to one of my toughest to date.  The desperation, the concern, the battle of faith and practicality seemed to all swirl in that dark moment.  Yet, in that moment, the Holy Spirit whispered these words.... "I am your Shepherd.  Even though you walk through the deep, dark valley, fear no evil, for I am with you."  Such peace washed over me in that split second as words of Truth flooded my heart.  He was with me.  No, my husband couldn't be, but He was.

2. Prayer is powerful!

Somewhere in that time period, I posted our crisis on Facebook asking others to join us in prayer. So many believers chimed in to say that they were lifting us up.  I will always be grateful for the army of prayers offered on our behalf.  The fourth surgeon to arrive walked in and looked at the arm and with so much confidence confessed that he could perform the surgery.  His confidence washed over me and filled me with such peace.  I knew that he was answer to the prayers that so many were praying.  The surgery was long, but successful.  Prayer is powerful!  God's word tells us that the prayers of the righteous are powerful!  I got to witness that first hand this past week.

3. Mean what you pray!

A few weeks ago, I prayed a prayer that went something like this:  "Break my heart for the things that break Your heart."  Have you ever been guilty of praying a cliche?  Do we really mean what we pray? Yesterday, one week after the accident with Sam, our other son was brought to his knees with severe pain.  After a revision by a pediatrician, I was advised to take him on in to the hospital for more testing which lead to another ER visit and yet another surgery.  This morning on the hour drive back to the hospital, I was reminded that I had prayed such a bold prayer.  Immediately, I began to praise the Lord that I have a car to drive to the hospital.  I have a hospital to go to and there is a surgeon that can help relieve the pain.  I have access to medicines and I have insurance that will help with some of the costs.  As I began to cry out praises to Him for all these things, my heart began to break for all those that live in this country that don't have these things.

How many mamas in Honduras have to watch their babies suffer and they have no way to do anything for them?  How many mamas don't have a vehicle to get them to the nearest clinic?  How many mamas can't afford pain medicines, much less surgeries?  How many mamas have felt that same desperation I experienced for their child and didn't have any resources or relationships to help?

Yes, this morning, God broke my heart fresh and anew for the people of this country.  I was reminded of the many timely opportunities that I have gotten to witness our medical and dental teams be in the "right place at the right time" by God's providence, and I am grateful.   I am thankful for the medical personnel that give up their time to serve the people of Honduras.  I am thankful that I have had opportunities to witness a mama's prayer of desperation be answered through a team member.  I pray that I will never take for granted the blessings that we have and that we will be faithful to share these blessings with others.

 Tonight, I count it JOY that we are facing trials of many kinds because I know that God is developing our faith and molding our character through them.

Keep praying for our boys that God will heal them completely.

Sam's arm is casted and when the cast is removed, mobility will be tested to see if follow-up surgeries are needed or if physical therapy will be sufficient.

Owen's surgery is scheduled for this week.